the world is sleeping but i have so much to say.

fuck. no need for an exclimation point; i am simply pissed. pissed; that's a funny expression. pissed because i "pissed" my pants for being so mad? that makes sense.

GAH stupid library... i just got an e-mail saying that i still haven't returned ONE frickin' book. wtf i swear i returned all that shit... i counted! i borrowed EIGHT, i returned EIGHT. secondly, i hate LIARS!!! oh, and people who think higly of themselves... actually, i like to group those two together; liars and those who think highly of themselves oh, and let me just interject "assholes who talk shit about you behind your back!". THIRDLY! i effing hate the people who live above me. i think they're on the verge of a break up... but FUCK! do it already bitches!!! it's 3 in the fucking morning! kick that bastard out and call it a night! obviously, fact; guys are assholes! you're gonna meet and greet plenty more of them; just accept it! move on to the next asshole please!!! let me get my fucking beauty sleep!!!! yeah, because i need to look fucking gorgeous for the next guy i'm gonna meet and then treat me like shit ok??? yeah, fuck you cycle of life. i wish life could be personified into some sort of organism right now so it can see my giant middle finger up in the air. ugh -__- i feel like kanye west minus the fucking caps lock... but i think the exclimation points were necessary. 

p.s. i hope i fucking find that library book. shit. 

My Fashion Icon

Fugazi

I'm in that Fuguzi-listening, angry college girl from the 90's who wears ironic glasses phase... where's my alternative guy? Wait, those girls don't keep guys; it's taboo. Oops.

In other non-idealist news...

I saw some black guy getting arrested today at LJ shores. He had some cup filled with alcohol. The cop who arrested him was as typical as it gets; beer belly, bald, donut-eating mutha fuckaaaaa. Whoa, excuse my language.

Conundrum, I think I just farted.

I just realized that my blog/ blog musings are well... immature. Perhaps because it's full of honesty.

Clever Stories Await

*SIGH

I want to feel like that girl again who falls asleep listening to pseudo-love songs and smiles thinking about silly things like falling in love.

Lately, it hasn't been like that. Life has been feeling more like a risque indie film with no plot; just full of provocative moments.

I got my first booty call tonight. I never thought I'd get one of those. It was like a bad car accident waiting to happen that you couldn't stop watching. I knew what it was, yet I couldn't hang up; I wanted to hear... Now I know. Let's keep it at that.

It's 5AM, I find sleep to be overrated these days. Whenever I close my eyes I feel as if I'm missing something; everything is significant I feel. When I blink, I miss that moment. It's gone forever.

Maybe I'll read. I haven't read in a while. I miss spending each weekend just snuggling up to a good book with some good music in the background. I miss the "weekendly" trips to the record store with my dad. I miss buying a new CD each weekend and finding something new each time; I miss the feeling of being underground, being "cool". I miss my teal room with the lone white heart in the center on Via de la Bandola. I miss the green house with its green carpet... I miss my neighbor Jose who used to throw rocks on my window yelling at me to come outside and ride bikes. I miss the little sketchy short cut behind my school. I miss my teal-colored walls and the lightly dimmed room that captured my imagination; I miss childhood.

*SIGH

What clever stories await?

Coward Boy

You tell people lies.
You lie to yourself.
You lie to me.

You spread words,
You've told someone that I was pathetic,
"... I kept coming back to you."
YOU know the truth.

Your existence is meaningless.
You'll only ever have your acquaintances
You'll only ever have the mindless girls who fancy your looks; but looks are fickle.
You'll only ever have yourself.

You're heart is made from the fumes hell's unforgiving flames,
You're at fault.
You won't let me speak my mind to you because you can't handle the truth.
You can't handle honesty, you have no ounce of humanity.

You've hurt me, but you've only made me stronger;
Revenge will find its way to you;
You disgust me.
You deserve nothing, you have nothing, you'll always be nothing.

I knew more than I knew before.

Why do people hurt so much? Why do I choose the wrong people?

Are we built to self-destruct, destroy; to disappoint?

Will I have the rest of my life to look forward to? Will things be different?

Am I a horrible person? Why am I getting trampled on?

What should I change about myself? I have a fear of anger, I had a fear of anger; it drives people to craziness. Why have I given in? I don't want to be angry, but it seems inevitable. Will he get what he deserves in the end? Does he know I'm talking about him, does he know what I'm talking about?
When will the next significant person in my life come along? Why won't they hurry? I'm drowning.

Rage on the Page

Ugly, messy, disorganized... that's how I feel right now; it's almost empowering.

"... hard to be soft, tough to be tender."

-you're so right elma, this really is my favorite line as well ^_^




Emily H. so powerful... so inspiring.

I know what anger feels like right this second.


Thanks for everything Erk, after all these years of separation... we're still connected.

Disposable Beings

It's 3:08AM and my life is in great chaos. There's so many things due but I'm behind. Life demands me to be happy again because it's time to move on... but where has Jenny gone? She's been destroyed forever, she can only be repaired but never again be the same.

why are you such a miserable person alex? how do you ask yourself if you've ever been in love? you're only in love with yourself. you fool yourself into thinking that you're capable of loving another being other than yourself by thinking you're in love. love love love... what a miserable word. love has always been toyed with, tarnished, distorted, lied to, betrayed... it's such a helpless matter. if you ever read this...

you've made me feel worthless; i meant something once... to myself. now i don't know who i am. i've gone out and done things i'm not proud of to experiment and find out who i am again. am i loveable? am i worth anything? you've made me feel like a disposable being. you've used me to feed your need to feel like you exist, that you mean something in this world. no, it's not that others have a misconception of you... in fact, they're usually quite right. you are an asshole. you're not worth loving; you're ungrateful and you deserve nothing.

yes, i will go on living forever thinking that you are the biggest asshole on this planet. you've deceived me so much and disposed of me like garbage, like an evolving life killed prematurely. you've made me question myself, you've made me feel like dying, you've made me feel like i can never attain anything real anymore; real love, real connection, you've made me feel like giving up, it's all your fault. it has nothing to do with me at all... i believed you for some time that I am the reason for the way i was feeling after we broke up... but no your intentions and your actions now are causations for all the hurt i'm feeling right this very second. it hurts so much that it no longer resembles pain; i feel half alive. i can only hope you'll lead a life that's as meaningless as mine is now. maybe only then will pain begin to ease and subside...

cognitive distortions

sometimes people distort realities to fit their particular desire... they want to believe things are a certain way to coincide with their assumptions or how they want situations to play out. i thought i surpassed anger at this point, but disagreements are giant road blocks to carefree recovery.


"should"; i despise that word. puke.

i should do this, i should do that... i don't want to.

i think i've realized just a little bit that certain people in life are and will become negligible; they are not worth the efforts of cognitive distortions. sentiments just get people into trouble... i think that's the only thing i've surpassed thus far; having a sentimental heart.

morning, fuck.

it's 11 past 7AM, i just got home...

i'm tired, cranky, indifferent...
i finally can fall asleep and as i pathetically attempt to do so there's that annoying piece of sentiment that rings that makes me remember something i no longer have... i know, wtf am i talking about? it doesn't matter, i can only be ambiguous about certain things now. my life can only be one honest ambiguity after another...

lately, i have not been myself.

who is the person i see in the mirror everyday?

she's gone out and done things... differently. she's lived/living differently.

Garcon sur le Velo Part Deux

Ran into him again tonight. It was at a red stop light :)

Frustration.

Most things in life are incontrollable... the only thing you have control over is to lose control.

I have 2 midterms today. Basically, I'm fucked.

I've spiraled out of control as of late... I've let outside forces affect me so greatly. I allowed grief to blindfold me and lose track of things that are truly important. What once felt like the greatest high was simply temporary and the consequences and obstacles that surrounded it were beyond my control; but it was attainable for everyone else it seems.

It's 9:14 AM and in about an hour I will witness what weakness and momentary foolishness has created. Dwelling is for the sentimental and the stubborn and those who care a little too much... that sounds just like me.

In the end what was lost is just a reflection of what has been gained... there are new things to pursuit now; I shouldn't be so down on myself. Yet, there are so many things and people to blame and pinpoint and feel animosity towards... are they all just disposable? Yes. At least they should be.

I am going to fail.

At least for today.

Garcon sur le Velo

-Have 2 midterms tomorrow
-Haven't studied much
-10:30 pm Yogurtland trip
-Beautiful boy on a bike gazes into my eyes and says "thank you"
-Tried to slap his butt as he biked away
-He looks back and notices and smiles.


Le fin.

comfort in cycles

i was at work the other day when i realized that everyone seems to find a sense of comfort in cycles...

it's like everyone at work is so comforted by the fact that they'll always get a 15 minute break every 2 hours or a 30 minute lunch

or

a girl with menstrual cycles... it's comforting to know that you're still young enough to have a cycle or that you're not fucked yet; you're not pregnant.

or

the cycle of seasons... maybe this cold winter will pass, maybe this long summer will pass, and maybe... spring will come again.

or

the cycle of the weekend coming and ending the endless weekdays

or

the cycle of relationships ending and starting

or

the cycle of life and death

or

the cycle of knowing everything and not knowing anything again

i seem to find solace in cycles myself. it's comforting to know that what comes around will go around... not necessarily in the same way, sometimes what returns is changed.

It's Morning, I'm Awake

I wake up to lost and confusion, my true companions.
There's no answer and so I cry, overwhelmed.
Eventually my mind begins to get weary;
I lose track... why am I so sad?
The day ends,
I fall asleep in the arms of hope.

Training Wheels

Devastation exists to confront weaknesses, testing them, stretching them... how much you can really love is tested; this is why pain is intangible yet so palpable.


12:41 AM, Monday, 3 Nov 2008 ----> Rise with fists.

Jenny Lewis

I saw Jenny Lewis last night. She's so empowering and real with her silky voice that makes anyone believe what she sings. She's been around since the 80's and I could tell she was getting old now. Her hair slightly lost its sheen and the sadness in her voice as she sang each word became more and more palpable. You can tell, she's been through a lot. Her lyrics tell you that she was there at some point in time; she was at heart ache, bliss and everything in between. I wish she could give me some of her strength because just when I think I'll be ok I falter, lose control again. I hate how circumstances have left me short-handed; I'm the girl who drew the shorter straw. I'm sure though, she's been through rougher storms. It's odd how a stranger can treat you better than the one who loves you or loved you or pretended to love you... Jenny, she comforted me last night. She cradled me in her arms like a newborn baby, unaware and innocent of the world again. She sang me lullabies that took away the pain, she made forget; there was only me and her. She's a true artist. She manipulated me, she used her tools and weapons to made me feel again... I was her finished piece. At the moment, someone's just kicked me off the pedestal and I broke into a million pieces again... someone will come around to care and fix me one day.

c'est la vie

"so it goes..."

-Kurt Vonnegut in Slaughterhouse Five

Life is love is like a slaughterhouse five in Dresden where you meet the good and bad that make up your story.