edit.

When did I become such a bad person?

Through my eyes.

I have a friend, and she's lucky, oh so  lucky.

She's lucky because she's still pure. 

She has no expectations yet.

She has her whole life ahead of her to become a knowledgeable individual about this game called life and be naively swept off her feet by newfound happiness. 

She's lucky, oh so lucky.

She's lucky because she has yet to be truly defeated and stepped on.

She's lucky because she's yet to question herself

She's lucky because she isn't me. 

I have a friend, and she's lucky, oh so very lucky.

She's lucky because she still has doubts.

She's lucky because she can still make mistakes and feel bad.

She's lucky because she can still dream  of love

And wake up in the morning and still think of adventures.

She's lucky because she's still scared of honesty

And the unknown

And the excitement for what is new.

She's lucky because while I sit here, she's still affected by it all.

She's lucky because she isn't me. 

Cinema

Sometimes you have to force yourself to be something, like forcing yourself to be happy. It's not about fallacies, but it's about getting started and not being a slacker; a slacker at life. Everyday I write "Don't be a slacker" on a piece of paper and tape it to my wall. I look at it. I'm not sure if it ever resonates with me throughout the day, but it helps. It helps to remind me that there is a part of me that has a bright outlook on things. 

Lately, I've been tired of living in the "today". I'm always daydreaming about tomorrow, under the impression that a great change will come. There have only been little hints, kind of like a taste. An appetizer to the meal. Life is teasing me. 

Lately, I've been looking for love. A different sort. The one that makes me feel complete when I fall asleep at night. And I've come so close each time, my love life is this vast collision of "almost there". Something always stops me; I'm afraid of rejection. Can I stop being afraid? They say fear is supposed to protect you. It's true.

Who was ever content with feeling safe though? I think it's kind of ironic. People often seek love/romance and what not to feel a sense of safety and contentment. The thing is though, love is dangerous. It's a 50/50 game. 

Now that I look back on the past 5 or 6 months of my life, there were moments where I've never been happier. So much has changed, so many things happened, and there are more secrets for me to tell. In so many ways, I've become a bold person and maybe unfortunately more impulsive. I can now say "no" and feel ok the next day. I can now promise myself to never see a person again and never look back. Nothing is concrete. Nothing is linear. Everything moves in branches that eventually connect. I wonder what all the new people I've met will mean in my life. I wonder what the person I've always wanted to meet and finally had the chance to meet means in my  life. 

Bicycles, Cycles, and Life's Cycle

Walking back tonight, the air felt like jagged little icicles piercing through my skin. It was surreal. Was I still in California? Should it feel this painful to walk in the night? Words of a truly spoiled individual. 

Sometimes I think I look into subtle things a little too deeply. Coincidences and ironic situations for example. I live for them or something. I overanalyze every situation, kill it till its dead and then resurrect it through flashbacks.

However,

There's this guy. I know his name now. I even have his number. It's amazing how I have knowledge to all these valuable things; I haven't even spoken to the guy. No, I know what your'e thinking... I'm a stalker/creeper/psycho. No. The matter of fact is, I haven't even done anything. 

The name and number came to me as some sort of delivery from a friend. I literally woke up to a phone call one day and got these things.

So let's re-cap.

Sometime at the beginning of this quarter... I felt like a pile of shit.

Some weeks later I start to feel like a productive human being again; I go out for yogurt with friends.

While walking back to the apartment from the parking garage this guy is riding his bicycle behind us. I simply say, "Hey, there's someone behind us. Let's divide." We were crowding his path. I know how difficult it is to ride one of those fancy bikes; I see people on the way to York Hall fall from it and eat shit on a daily basis. 

He passes by me and flashes me a smile and says "Thank you."

For some unknown reason, something is sparked inside me. I smile the first real smile I've smiled for weeks. 

So I am riding on this extreme, sudden jolt of adrenaline and so as he rides away on his bike I slap his butt... he was wearing really nice jeans. Don't ask, I don't know.

Just my luck, he turns around and catches me in the act. 

I could have sworn I saw a hint of a mischievous smile... but I ran for dear life. Oh, how embarrassing. UGH!

Literally, the next night. My friends and I are in a car, the light is red and we are next to a bike lane. Guess who was on that lane? Yes. So my friend rolls down the window (I was sitting in the middle) and yells out "Hey! We saw you last night. My friend slapped your ass. She thinks you're cute." I'm about to hyperventilate and die of embarrassment at this point and then I hear "Oh, really..." I think to myself, "Fuck, turn green...green...green....green" It turns green. I am saved!

So I thought that was the last of it. 

Last week of Fall Quarter comes rolling in. It's 2 in the afternoon and I'm still sleeping, sleeping away the torture of finals week. I get a phone call which I routinely ignore with the "ignore" button, but damn, it was a persistent phone call I noticed. I answer on the 5th ring. It was my friend Jackie. Her voice on the opposite line resembles a teeny-bopper me. I think, "WTF is going on?" She spills about her run-in with the "bike boy" and how she knows his name and talked about me and how she got his number for me. I love friends! 

Of course, she gaves me the number later on. I store it, and let it rot in my digital phone book. Again, I think, "Cool, that's the last of it." 

1st Week of Winter Quarter rolls in... I see him at Muir.

2nd Week, I see him by the Che Cafe hill while I am in bus... I've stopped taking the bus, but I just really had to that day for some reason.

3rd Week, we meet each other at the Institute of the Americas area.

Just an hour later, same day... I see him biking around in circles at The Grove.

4th Week, Laundry room... too much to analyze or even mention -__-

Mood: Overwhelmed.

Rolling Down Hills

I rolled down a hill last night.
Simple things are the most thrilling at times.

Sex and Sexuality Adventure

I woke up fairly late for class... 10:21AM. Yes, for a class scheduled at 11AM. haha

After my 11AM class (MMW w/ Prof. Gallant... he's a Micmac) I crashed Jackie's Sex and Sexual Identities class. I decided it was killing like 3 birds w/ one stone. One I got to sort of hang out with Jackie, two Rhett, the guy with this alluring mole that I have a pseudo-crush on is in that class, and three... it's about sex. That's never boring. 

The professor gave me that 90's power bitch feeling. I had to laugh a little. Just as cliche as these sort of classes go... your typical butch lesbian finds herself on the seat next to me. Typical. Also, the topic of the day was "Sexual Psychopaths" with a touch of "The Homosexual Menace".  Gawwwd, I die for these catchy little titles. hahaha The professor had way more on the board, but damn, this one was just worth sharing; The Homosexual Menace. LOL

I learned that the homosexual paranoia boomed during the postwar era (I'm not sure which war) because people wanted that nuclear family sort of stability. It's just a theory though. 

Just after lunch, Jackie crashed my Formations of Modern Art class because "ringlets guy" was in it and I sat next to him like every lecture. Sadly, he hasn't been to class twice in a row now. I'm afraid he has dropped the class and that I am now forced to sit next to his friend who shamelessly wears short shorts. 

I'm not sure where the rest of the day went. Now I'm sitting down, trying to finish this damn RQAB. RQ-effing-AB.

You are my voice, my mind, my microphone.

If I could marry a Jew, I'd marry you. 

Jason Schwartzman <3

We can sing along to all your "semi-romantic" tunes that aren't really meant to evoke a feeling of romance. We both fall together if one falls down? You are my voice, my mind, my microphone :)