Disposable Beings

It's 3:08AM and my life is in great chaos. There's so many things due but I'm behind. Life demands me to be happy again because it's time to move on... but where has Jenny gone? She's been destroyed forever, she can only be repaired but never again be the same.

why are you such a miserable person alex? how do you ask yourself if you've ever been in love? you're only in love with yourself. you fool yourself into thinking that you're capable of loving another being other than yourself by thinking you're in love. love love love... what a miserable word. love has always been toyed with, tarnished, distorted, lied to, betrayed... it's such a helpless matter. if you ever read this...

you've made me feel worthless; i meant something once... to myself. now i don't know who i am. i've gone out and done things i'm not proud of to experiment and find out who i am again. am i loveable? am i worth anything? you've made me feel like a disposable being. you've used me to feed your need to feel like you exist, that you mean something in this world. no, it's not that others have a misconception of you... in fact, they're usually quite right. you are an asshole. you're not worth loving; you're ungrateful and you deserve nothing.

yes, i will go on living forever thinking that you are the biggest asshole on this planet. you've deceived me so much and disposed of me like garbage, like an evolving life killed prematurely. you've made me question myself, you've made me feel like dying, you've made me feel like i can never attain anything real anymore; real love, real connection, you've made me feel like giving up, it's all your fault. it has nothing to do with me at all... i believed you for some time that I am the reason for the way i was feeling after we broke up... but no your intentions and your actions now are causations for all the hurt i'm feeling right this very second. it hurts so much that it no longer resembles pain; i feel half alive. i can only hope you'll lead a life that's as meaningless as mine is now. maybe only then will pain begin to ease and subside...