Love Lost; I Fought the War, but the War Won.

Usually when it comes to blogs or any form of writing I prefer to speak in metaphors. I'm good at it. I guess I'm an awesomely vague individual. No need to be ambiguous this time around though. There's plenty of that in the world already. I know that now.

This past weekend I lost the love of my life. No, he hasn't died, but it's similar. He's fallen out of love with me and I think I'm getting there myself each day. I think we just never really fell in love with each other at the same time. In the beginning he loved me more than I loved him and towards the end it became opposite. I say that the world is filled with ambiguity not because it's obvious... but it's the only thing left that's real. How you fall out of love with someone you felt so strongly for before is really a mystery. Perhaps I've changed, perhaps he's changed. In that sense, I guess love becomes lost and you don't know when you can really love again and believe that it really is love. Heart ache and heart break makes you stubborn. I don't know what's real anymore. Time will pass and I'll know again. Hopefully. We still love each other but we're no longer in love. I find that concept absurd but I guess sometimes nothing really has to make sense; it'll play out.

I've recently been in touch with my past... I guess because it's the only thing I have left that I'm sure of. Next month I'm embarking on a road trip to San Francisco with a bunch of old friends. Ok, so only two not a bunch. I'll be in the car for about 8 hours with an old best friend who I thought I'd lost forever and another great friend's ex-boyfriend. Quite the odd team isn't it? We're all going to see someone who has changed our lives in some way. Erk, that's what I call her. She's wonderful, I can't wait to see her again.

Anyway, I'm only his friend now. I like to believe that I'm his one and only true friend I guess because in some way that still makes me feel significant in his life... almost like the closeness of a lover, but not quite. Hey, but I guess that's alright. I do find solace in being there for him. Currently, he is not himself... just like I was not too long ago. I think I'm learning to overcome. I think I'm learning to forget the ugliness that has happened between us and forgive all the memories that made us special just for that brief moment in life. We did love each other once. The kind of love that you can't live without. We still have love for one another, but I don't know if he can't live without it. Life is tragic, and then you meet someone else... and your wound heals but then you get another. Somewhere down the line you'll stop getting wounds either maybe because you've gotten immune to the pain that you no longer notice or you finally just find that "eternity" that everyone searches for.

I guess I'm human...

I still love him after all... and it doesn't matter what he feels about me.