Cinema

Sometimes you have to force yourself to be something, like forcing yourself to be happy. It's not about fallacies, but it's about getting started and not being a slacker; a slacker at life. Everyday I write "Don't be a slacker" on a piece of paper and tape it to my wall. I look at it. I'm not sure if it ever resonates with me throughout the day, but it helps. It helps to remind me that there is a part of me that has a bright outlook on things. 

Lately, I've been tired of living in the "today". I'm always daydreaming about tomorrow, under the impression that a great change will come. There have only been little hints, kind of like a taste. An appetizer to the meal. Life is teasing me. 

Lately, I've been looking for love. A different sort. The one that makes me feel complete when I fall asleep at night. And I've come so close each time, my love life is this vast collision of "almost there". Something always stops me; I'm afraid of rejection. Can I stop being afraid? They say fear is supposed to protect you. It's true.

Who was ever content with feeling safe though? I think it's kind of ironic. People often seek love/romance and what not to feel a sense of safety and contentment. The thing is though, love is dangerous. It's a 50/50 game. 

Now that I look back on the past 5 or 6 months of my life, there were moments where I've never been happier. So much has changed, so many things happened, and there are more secrets for me to tell. In so many ways, I've become a bold person and maybe unfortunately more impulsive. I can now say "no" and feel ok the next day. I can now promise myself to never see a person again and never look back. Nothing is concrete. Nothing is linear. Everything moves in branches that eventually connect. I wonder what all the new people I've met will mean in my life. I wonder what the person I've always wanted to meet and finally had the chance to meet means in my  life.