Selective Memory and Selective Everything

It puzzles me, it really does. What am I doing wrong? I seem to give so much, care so much... it's not enough. People still just forget who I am, toss me around, throw me away. They get tired. I hate it. Maybe I need to take a second and be a jackass to everyone. Maybe it'll reassure them that I'm human so it's ok to care about me again, to recognize me as a human being... because I'm flawed and cruel just like they are. 

Another thing, people seem to block you out of their lives because they want to lie to themselves because their own betrayals and carelessness has transformed you into a symbol. Some symbol they no longer want to recognize because it hurts them and it hinders them from realizing that they're "happy". Fallacies and ungratefulness, that's all people seem to be capable of. Nothing is sacred.

My friend, I call her my best friend... and she can't even make time for me. She can't even send me a text; we both know this should not be any sort of inconvenience to her because it's all she does. 

There was this stranger, I thought I loved him... he really was just a mirage, false comfort, to reassure myself that I'm capable of being soft.

There are my parents, sometimes I think they take me for granted.

There is everyone else... they don't appreciate me and take me for granted.

There was this old friend, I met up with her a couple of nights ago; she's still the same. I love her, despite the fact that the tone of her voice has changed; she's become less convincing in tone... she may even be faking, but she's the epitome of what a friend is.

There are these admirers, I worry that I'm not what they expect; they should move on, not bother at all. 

Current Addictions

What? I'm watching a vampire series on HBO? Hmmm, there's not a big enough analogy enlaced with sarcasm to tackle this one... tsk, tsk.


"maybe it's life's way of clearing things out that aren't working out" -why life sucks according to this show.

the girl who only believed in lies.

speaking in metaphors never helped anyone.

Life on a Dentist Chair

Just came home from my dentist appointment. They took x-rays after x-rays of my fugly teeth today... it seemed endless. Anyway though, as I sat there, feeling as if I was unaffected by everything. Frankly, everything is affecting me all at once at the moment. I am overwhelmed by this ongoing battle between overwhelming happiness and abyssmal depression. Which is it? Am I whole or am I broken? Well, actually overwhelming happiness and abyssmal depression are both "wholes", it's subjective. Almost two years in college and all I've learned, all I've kept coming back to is this line between surrealism and "sub-realism". No, I really don't mean realism. I only have my former Vis 84 professor to thank for what I know about life now. Well, not "know" but "grasp"; you can never really know anything. Knowing that you'll never really know anything makes life's transitions less painful. Which actually reminds me of a random thought I had the other day...

There I was, 3 in the morning, procrastinating, not studying for a final that's about to take place in 5 hours... and all I can think of are the words "lost in translation", which lead me to ponder about the movie about how it related to life. Life is nothing but a myriad of transitions, edited together by people's so-called "free will"/ choice and then held together by the lifetime you live, from the time you are born to the time you cease to exist. Now the whole concept of "lost in translation" is the realization of a previous scene to the next; if something is edited, then it is not at all continuous... this is how all things become lost in translation, and I think this is how people begin to change... great friends one day, bitter enemies the next and so forth. 

Lastly, I realized that the only man I can really fall in love with, ever, is Chris Carrabba. 

Morning Wood

Have you ever had an unsaid connection with someone? As if there was something greater, lurking silently in the air? Between you and someone else?

Cliche, I know. Right? I think I had that tonight, with the most un-obvious person. I'm not sure if I'm the only person I know that knows who he is, but he was there tonight, in a striped sweater. Stefano. Mmm with his beautiful eyes... I feel like a stalker. haha

Life has so many minute details that we often miss. I'm noticing those details more and more now. I don't know what's changed... perhaps my appetite for living life? I think I might be on academic probation once again this quarter. I'm not as worried I suppose, I know what to do. It's a lot like life I guess. Life puts you on these probations when you fail at something and then you bounce back... well, and if you don't you end up 6 feet under from some sort of vice; much like with school and procrastination and everything in between. Except with life it's drugs, sex and alcohol... and then maybe you end up in the streets as a bum begging for a second chance; much like with writing an appeal in college. You may get it, you may not I suppose... and once again that's how people end up dead, either literally or as in a state of mind. Isn't that true about bums? Are we all bums? Transients really. I guess that's where whoever refers to bums as transients got that concept from... we're not constantly on probation.

In other news, if I could love my friends and family more... perhaps I would explode.

let's chronicle today...

-woke up at 2:36 PM

-elma calls
-elma comes over
-we go to divine pastabilities
-carb coma -__-
-chill with rena and stella
-more carbs= alcoholic beverages, yuck!
-a blurry night filled with food and random conversations
-journal therapy
-semi-manicure
-planning out the weekend

p.s. i need to sleep less and face the world >_<


currently obsessed with: boy with squirrel on top of his head and thrift stores haha

life.

i need to become a happier person.

Language Barriers

I saw this picture today from high school and it triggered a certain memory. It reminded me of this boy, his name was James San Roman... he was beautiful. That's really the only way to describe how I remember him. I also remembered really liking him. It was one of those adolescent crushes I guess, but I just thought about how many "what if" thoughts and memories I had about this guy. You see, we had this thing going on called a language barrier -__-. What if he was able to understand me? Would it have been a silly adolescent crush still? Or what if he would have realized how much of a waste of time I was? Who knows... Fuck, you language barrier.